HELLO …? IS THAT THE BRITISH ARMY?
“Thank you for calling the British Army. I am sorry but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country of origin, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number to call you.”
“As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Northern Ireland, The Firemen, Iraq 2, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and equal opportunities training, we will return your call.”
“Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following.”
“If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.”
“If your problem is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by a few low risk – low level bombing runs, press # for the Royal Air Force. – Please note this service is not available after 16:30 or at weekends.”
“If your enquiry concerns a situation that can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flag waving and a really good marching band, please write WELL in advance to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, London.”
“If your enquiry is not urgent. Press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.”
“If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, train to be a fire-fighter, execute regime changes in hot places, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and be prepared to work your arse off daily with leave being cancelled at short notice, whilst watching the treasury erode your original conditions of service and career – your call will be connected to a bitter, passed-over recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop out of town.”
“Thank you for calling the British Army!”
Saturday, December 30, 2006
British Army's answering machine
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Fun fact
In 1871, after the unification of Germany, Berlin was the center of the largest military parade of its history and a special “Commemoration Beer” was served. Although exactly the same as the regular brew, restaurants charged a few pennies more because of its historical significance.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Wooden decoy - wooden bomb. Funny military fact
Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.
from the book: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II, by Seymour Reit
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.
from the book: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II, by Seymour Reit
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
You might have a redneck in your military unit if...
... the cadence calls he wrote for the unit, are accompanied by dueling banjos.
... he keeps asking the MPs to take the guard dogs hunting.
... his ACUs have cut off sleeves.
... he asks if you have a tank made by John Deere.
... he thinks "Smokey and the Bandit" was a war film.
... you notice during inspection that his bunk has two holes in the bed sheet.
... he thinks BDUs are formal wear.
... his uniform nametape says "Billy Bob".
... he puts deer whistles on the front of the tank.
... he has a gun rack on his backpack.
... he asks which M.R.E. has 'possum
... he throws himself up against the wall every time the MPs walk by.
... you find live bait in his footlocker.
... he puts an 8-track tape player in the humvee.
... if he refers to the field latrine as 'modern technology'.
... he tries to design a new beret, out of a hubcap.
... he needs little training during basic on how to throw a grenade. How many times can he get by with 'pull pin, throw pin, wait for explosion'?
... he keeps asking the MPs to take the guard dogs hunting.
... his ACUs have cut off sleeves.
... he asks if you have a tank made by John Deere.
... he thinks "Smokey and the Bandit" was a war film.
... you notice during inspection that his bunk has two holes in the bed sheet.
... he thinks BDUs are formal wear.
... his uniform nametape says "Billy Bob".
... he puts deer whistles on the front of the tank.
... he has a gun rack on his backpack.
... he asks which M.R.E. has 'possum
... he throws himself up against the wall every time the MPs walk by.
... you find live bait in his footlocker.
... he puts an 8-track tape player in the humvee.
... if he refers to the field latrine as 'modern technology'.
... he tries to design a new beret, out of a hubcap.
... he needs little training during basic on how to throw a grenade. How many times can he get by with 'pull pin, throw pin, wait for explosion'?
Agent Orange - Military fun fact
Agent Orange was the US Army’s code name for an herbicide used widely by the United States during the Vietnam War between 1961 and 1970. Agent Orange was called so because of the orange stripes found on the sides of the herbecide containers. Other code-named herbicides used by the US Army in moderate to large quantities during this timeframe include Agent Blue (cacodylic acid), Agent White (4:1 mixture of 2,4-D and picloram), Agent Purple, and Agent Pink. Their names were derived from the color of the stripes on the barrels used to transport them.
Agent Orange was found to have toxic dioxin breakdown byproducts which have been blamed for causing health disorders and birth defects in both the Vietnamese population and U.S. war veterans. It has also been found to have carcinogenic properties.
The official military purpose of the herbicides was to remove the leaves of trees to deny the Viet Cong cover. However, an April 2003 report paid for by the National Academy of Sciences concluded that during the Vietnam War, 3,181 villages were sprayed directly with herbicides. Between 2.1 and 4.8 million people “would have been present during the spraying.” Furthermore, many U.S. military personnel were also sprayed or came in contact with herbicides in recently sprayed areas.
The study was originally undertaken for the U.S. military to get a better count of how many veterans served in sprayed areas. Researchers were given access to military records and Air Force operational folders previously not studied.
The re-estimate made by the report places the 1961 to 1971 volume of herbicides sprayed between 1961 and 1971 to a level 7,131,907 liters more than an “uncorrected” estimate published in 1974 and 9.4 million more liters than a 1974 “corrected” inventory.
It was produced under contract for the Army by Diamond Shamrock, Dow, Hercules, Monsanto, T-H Agricultural & Nutrition, Thompson Chemicals, and Uniroyal. About 75 million liters of the agent were used during the course of the Vietnam War.
Agent Orange was a roughly 1:1 mixture of the herbicides 2,4-D (2,4-dichlorophenoxyacetic acid) and 2,4,5-T (2,4,5-trichlorophenoxyacetic acid). These herbicides were developed during the 1940s for use in controlling broad-leaf plants. First introduced in 1947, they rapidly gained acceptance, and their use was considered an integral agricultural practice by the middle of the 1950s.
Although Agent Orange as a military defoliant was discontinued in 1971, both 2,4-D and 2,4,5-T continue to be widely used independently as effective herbicides.
In 1980, New Jersey created the New Jersey Agent Orange Commission, the first state commission created to study the effects of Agent Orange. Over the years, the Commission in association with Rutgers University created ground-breaking research on Vietnam veterans. The Commission’s research project was called “The Pointman Project”. The Commission was disbanded by Governor Christine Todd Whitman in 1996.
Lawsuits
On January 31, 2004, a Vietnamese victim’s rights group, on behalf of three injured persons, filed a lawsuit in a Federal Court in Brooklyn, New York, against several unnamed US companies, for liability in causing personal injury, by developing and producing the chemical. Dow Chemical and Monsanto were the two largest producers of Agent Orange for the US Military. A number of lawsuits by American GI’s have been won in the years since the Vietnam War.
----------------------------------------------------
Agent Orange is also the name of a short song by singer Tori Amos. It appeared on her 1996 album Boys For Pele. The song has nothing to do with Agent Orange the chemical. It is a nickname given to her long-time bodyguard Joel because of the tan color of his skin.
----------------------------------------------------
Agent Orange was also the name of a punk rock band from Orange County, California.
Agent Orange was found to have toxic dioxin breakdown byproducts which have been blamed for causing health disorders and birth defects in both the Vietnamese population and U.S. war veterans. It has also been found to have carcinogenic properties.
The official military purpose of the herbicides was to remove the leaves of trees to deny the Viet Cong cover. However, an April 2003 report paid for by the National Academy of Sciences concluded that during the Vietnam War, 3,181 villages were sprayed directly with herbicides. Between 2.1 and 4.8 million people “would have been present during the spraying.” Furthermore, many U.S. military personnel were also sprayed or came in contact with herbicides in recently sprayed areas.
The study was originally undertaken for the U.S. military to get a better count of how many veterans served in sprayed areas. Researchers were given access to military records and Air Force operational folders previously not studied.
The re-estimate made by the report places the 1961 to 1971 volume of herbicides sprayed between 1961 and 1971 to a level 7,131,907 liters more than an “uncorrected” estimate published in 1974 and 9.4 million more liters than a 1974 “corrected” inventory.
It was produced under contract for the Army by Diamond Shamrock, Dow, Hercules, Monsanto, T-H Agricultural & Nutrition, Thompson Chemicals, and Uniroyal. About 75 million liters of the agent were used during the course of the Vietnam War.
Agent Orange was a roughly 1:1 mixture of the herbicides 2,4-D (2,4-dichlorophenoxyacetic acid) and 2,4,5-T (2,4,5-trichlorophenoxyacetic acid). These herbicides were developed during the 1940s for use in controlling broad-leaf plants. First introduced in 1947, they rapidly gained acceptance, and their use was considered an integral agricultural practice by the middle of the 1950s.
Although Agent Orange as a military defoliant was discontinued in 1971, both 2,4-D and 2,4,5-T continue to be widely used independently as effective herbicides.
In 1980, New Jersey created the New Jersey Agent Orange Commission, the first state commission created to study the effects of Agent Orange. Over the years, the Commission in association with Rutgers University created ground-breaking research on Vietnam veterans. The Commission’s research project was called “The Pointman Project”. The Commission was disbanded by Governor Christine Todd Whitman in 1996.
Lawsuits
On January 31, 2004, a Vietnamese victim’s rights group, on behalf of three injured persons, filed a lawsuit in a Federal Court in Brooklyn, New York, against several unnamed US companies, for liability in causing personal injury, by developing and producing the chemical. Dow Chemical and Monsanto were the two largest producers of Agent Orange for the US Military. A number of lawsuits by American GI’s have been won in the years since the Vietnam War.
----------------------------------------------------
Agent Orange is also the name of a short song by singer Tori Amos. It appeared on her 1996 album Boys For Pele. The song has nothing to do with Agent Orange the chemical. It is a nickname given to her long-time bodyguard Joel because of the tan color of his skin.
----------------------------------------------------
Agent Orange was also the name of a punk rock band from Orange County, California.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Interservice bravery...
An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing whose's service is better and whose troops are more braver.
The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossiple" as he raeches for the phone.
Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.
When all three representives have arrived, the Admiral states "Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course.". The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned runnig towards the cliff.
After performing a triple-linddy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing.
Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.
The Marine General says "that wasn't nothing",and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff,then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle." And with that the Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds).Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.
The Army General then says" Very nice gentlemen, but heres true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says " I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side".
The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.
The Genertal turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says" Now gentlemen, thats BRAVERY....
The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossiple" as he raeches for the phone.
Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.
When all three representives have arrived, the Admiral states "Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course.". The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned runnig towards the cliff.
After performing a triple-linddy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing.
Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.
The Marine General says "that wasn't nothing",and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff,then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle." And with that the Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds).Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.
The Army General then says" Very nice gentlemen, but heres true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says " I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side".
The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.
The Genertal turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says" Now gentlemen, thats BRAVERY....
Top 10 List: Reasons Army Impacted Family Life
10. Last night you had a dream and everyone was using acronyms.
9. You think Ft. Polk is a resort area.
8. You have 3 sons and their names are Riley, Hood, and Stewert.
7. Your baby’s first words were Hooha!!!
6. Your relatives refuse to write your phone # down in ink in their address book.
5. You have a bumper sticker that reads, I’d rather be packing out!!
4. Your spouse tells you they are going TDY and you immediately think of ways how to spend the extra money!
3. Your children ask if they can go to the PX while you are on leave.
2. Every time there is a threat of any kind in the world, your mom calls and asks if your spouse knows anything about it.
……and the number one reason
1. When you go the PX, your 10 month old calls out daddy to anyone wearing a set of BDU’S
9. You think Ft. Polk is a resort area.
8. You have 3 sons and their names are Riley, Hood, and Stewert.
7. Your baby’s first words were Hooha!!!
6. Your relatives refuse to write your phone # down in ink in their address book.
5. You have a bumper sticker that reads, I’d rather be packing out!!
4. Your spouse tells you they are going TDY and you immediately think of ways how to spend the extra money!
3. Your children ask if they can go to the PX while you are on leave.
2. Every time there is a threat of any kind in the world, your mom calls and asks if your spouse knows anything about it.
……and the number one reason
1. When you go the PX, your 10 month old calls out daddy to anyone wearing a set of BDU’S
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Monday, November 06, 2006
2. The urge to live beyond a basic subsistence level
3. Running
4. Allergic reaction to MOPP gear
5. Running
6. The novelty of eating non-Chinese food has finally worn off
7. Running
8. The desire to have a pet and an apartment without being forced to acquire a husband in order to do so cheaply
9. Running
10. The need for a permanent address that's actually permanent...
Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet that wounds the enemy.
1945- The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, the losers a European 9mm.
Now- We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45.
1945- If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now- If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.
1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Now- Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945- We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home
Now- We put the real thing in the cockpit.
1945- If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Now- If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career.
1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Now- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.
1945- Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Now- Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.
1945- Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Now- Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.
1945- They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now- They collect our pee and analyze it.
1945- If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade till you straighten up.
Now- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
1945- You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now- You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.
1945- You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now- You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.
1945- If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec. Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now- You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.
1945- If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
Now- The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.
1945-The PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
Now- You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.
1945- If a general wanted to make a presentation he scribbled some notes down and a corporal prepared a bunch of charts
Now- The general prepares his own charts, spending hours usnig Power Point.
1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Now- We are wearing the Nazi helmets.
1945- We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
Now- We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we won't offend them.
1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.
1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
1945- All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Now- All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian aga
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Applause for the stripper - Army joke
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"
Truth in Labeling - Military story
My daughter recently bought a cap at an Army-navy surplus store, and I was startled to note that the label attached to it was almost bigger than the cap itself. Possible indicating the direction in which increasing government regulations are taking all of us.
GENUINE Government Issue
100% Wool WATCH CAP
Made to DEPARTMENT of DEFENSE SPECIFICATION
MADE IN U.S.A.
MILITARY SPECIFICATION CAP, KNIT (WATCH) MIL-C-16472F
3.4.1. WOOL--100%, 54's US Standard, 2 ply worsted
3.4.1.2 MOTHPROOFING--in accordance with MIL-C-43665.
3.4.2 KNITTED FABRIC--Wales per inch--six (6)Courses per inch--14Half cardigan--1 x 1 rib
3.4.3 THREAD--Vat dyed Black AA, cable no. 66043
3.4.3.1 COLORFASTNESS--Fastness to light, laundering, perspiration
3.7 DESIGN--bell-shpaed, pull over style, crown shaped with four (4) darts
3.10 MEASUREMENT--Length 11 to 12 1/2 inched (27.94 to 31.75 cm)
3.11 FINISHED WEIGHT--not less than 3 1/4 ounces (92.13 g)
WASHING INSTRUCTIONS--Hand wash, cold water, falt dry
GENUINE Government Issue
100% Wool WATCH CAP
Made to DEPARTMENT of DEFENSE SPECIFICATION
MADE IN U.S.A.
MILITARY SPECIFICATION CAP, KNIT (WATCH) MIL-C-16472F
3.4.1. WOOL--100%, 54's US Standard, 2 ply worsted
3.4.1.2 MOTHPROOFING--in accordance with MIL-C-43665.
3.4.2 KNITTED FABRIC--Wales per inch--six (6)Courses per inch--14Half cardigan--1 x 1 rib
3.4.3 THREAD--Vat dyed Black AA, cable no. 66043
3.4.3.1 COLORFASTNESS--Fastness to light, laundering, perspiration
3.7 DESIGN--bell-shpaed, pull over style, crown shaped with four (4) darts
3.10 MEASUREMENT--Length 11 to 12 1/2 inched (27.94 to 31.75 cm)
3.11 FINISHED WEIGHT--not less than 3 1/4 ounces (92.13 g)
WASHING INSTRUCTIONS--Hand wash, cold water, falt dry
SAFE FALL
Paratrooper Hooley had a delayed opening of his chute during a training jump resulting in a heavy impact on landing.
"Were you much hurt in the fall, Hooley?" asked his friend?
"Not a bit did the fall hurt me, but the stop at the ground broke my leg," explained the paratrooper who recalled the briefing on precision in reports.
"Were you much hurt in the fall, Hooley?" asked his friend?
"Not a bit did the fall hurt me, but the stop at the ground broke my leg," explained the paratrooper who recalled the briefing on precision in reports.
Military Medical Research
RESEARCHERS BAFFLED
The U.S. Navy Medical Corps has concluded an extensive pharmaceutical study in which an equal number of sailors and marines were administered weekly doses of Viagra.
Researchers are at a loss to explain why all of the sailors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, while the Marines simply grew taller.
The U.S. Navy Medical Corps has concluded an extensive pharmaceutical study in which an equal number of sailors and marines were administered weekly doses of Viagra.
Researchers are at a loss to explain why all of the sailors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, while the Marines simply grew taller.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Airborne jump school
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well", he said, "it's three weeks long." "What else" , I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys", he said. "The second week , they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump".
Maps of War
Who has controlled the Middle East over the course of history? Pretty much everyone. Egyptians, Turks, Jews, Romans, Arabs, Greeks, Persians, Europeans...the list goes on. Who will control the Middle East today? That is a much bigger question.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Harmonica
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
Prediction methods for MTBF
By Stalker, Edward, Capt AFLMA
Arrived in my Email with a garbled return address. From context, it looks like a British or Australian document.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHORT COMMUNICATIONS
RELIABILITY PREDICTION USING ALTERNATIVE METHODS*
1. INTRODUCTION
1.1 Alternative methods may be used for predicting reliability, when approved by the Project Manager. This section outlines these methods and the conditions under which they may be applied.
2. METHODS 2.1 The alternative methods covered by this section are:
(a) Crystal ball (b) Astrological (c) Wet finger (d) Miscellaneous techniques (Tarot cards, ouija boards, etc.) (e) Witchcraft These will be discussed, in turn.
2.2 Crystal ball Crystal balls may be used, if operated by qualified personnel. Qualified personnel include gypsies and other operators approved by NATO AQAP-1, and reliability engineers in AQAP- 1 approved companies. Crystal balls must be calibrated against master standards in accordance with AQAP-6.
2.3 Astrology Astrological prediction methods may be used, but only as applied by AQAP-1 approved astrological scientists. Use of astrological data from daily newspapers, etc., is not acceptable, as these do not necessarily meet approval criteria and are not traceable. For astrological predictions, the dates of birth of the following must be provided:
(a) Project managers (MOD and supplier) (b) Senior reliability engineer (c) Chief designer (d) Secretaries of above, if they are evaluated as likely to affect attitudes, motivation and performance. (e) All the people who will make any part of the system. ( These data are only required when prediction accuracy of better than 0.001 percent is required).
2.4 Wet finger This is a simple and popular method, particularly among project managers. Since little expertise is required, it is a low-cost method. It features some of the disadvantages of the witchcraft methods (see below), but the secondary effects are less unpredictable, particularly if the personnel making the predictions are replaced or forget what the prediction was.
2.5 Miscellaneous methods Other methods may be used, e.g. Tarot cards, ouija boards, tea leaves, etc., but only by qualified staff or consultants approved as above. In any case, appropriate data must be provided as required by the operator.
2.6 Witchcraft Witchcraft may be used. However, this method of prediction is a reliability forcing process, rather than a prediction. Great care must be exercised to ensure that only achievable, conservative MTBF values are forced in this way, since death, serious injury, or madness can result if personnel observe failures or running times which lead to MTBFs different to the set values. There are no defence or Military standards for witches, so operator selection is difficult. It is advisable to employ one or more witches on a project, preferably as part of the reliability team, if this method is to be used. However, care must be exercised to ensure that they confine their powers to the reliability requirement. Security clearance can sometimes present further difficulties, particularly for non- NATO practitioners such as witch doctors, obeah men voodoo priests, etc. Note: Secretaries should not be asked to perform these rites, even when appearance indicate likely competence.
3. PREDICTION ACCURACY 3.1 These alternative methods described generally provide much more accurate reliability predictions than the other techniques described in this standard, e.g. MIL-HDBK-217E. In most cases individual failure events, not merely MTBFs, can be predicted, if appropriate resources are applied.
* Editor's note; This document was found circulating in official corridors. It is reproduced for information, without comment.
Arrived in my Email with a garbled return address. From context, it looks like a British or Australian document.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHORT COMMUNICATIONS
RELIABILITY PREDICTION USING ALTERNATIVE METHODS*
1. INTRODUCTION
1.1 Alternative methods may be used for predicting reliability, when approved by the Project Manager. This section outlines these methods and the conditions under which they may be applied.
2. METHODS 2.1 The alternative methods covered by this section are:
(a) Crystal ball (b) Astrological (c) Wet finger (d) Miscellaneous techniques (Tarot cards, ouija boards, etc.) (e) Witchcraft These will be discussed, in turn.
2.2 Crystal ball Crystal balls may be used, if operated by qualified personnel. Qualified personnel include gypsies and other operators approved by NATO AQAP-1, and reliability engineers in AQAP- 1 approved companies. Crystal balls must be calibrated against master standards in accordance with AQAP-6.
2.3 Astrology Astrological prediction methods may be used, but only as applied by AQAP-1 approved astrological scientists. Use of astrological data from daily newspapers, etc., is not acceptable, as these do not necessarily meet approval criteria and are not traceable. For astrological predictions, the dates of birth of the following must be provided:
(a) Project managers (MOD and supplier) (b) Senior reliability engineer (c) Chief designer (d) Secretaries of above, if they are evaluated as likely to affect attitudes, motivation and performance. (e) All the people who will make any part of the system. ( These data are only required when prediction accuracy of better than 0.001 percent is required).
2.4 Wet finger This is a simple and popular method, particularly among project managers. Since little expertise is required, it is a low-cost method. It features some of the disadvantages of the witchcraft methods (see below), but the secondary effects are less unpredictable, particularly if the personnel making the predictions are replaced or forget what the prediction was.
2.5 Miscellaneous methods Other methods may be used, e.g. Tarot cards, ouija boards, tea leaves, etc., but only by qualified staff or consultants approved as above. In any case, appropriate data must be provided as required by the operator.
2.6 Witchcraft Witchcraft may be used. However, this method of prediction is a reliability forcing process, rather than a prediction. Great care must be exercised to ensure that only achievable, conservative MTBF values are forced in this way, since death, serious injury, or madness can result if personnel observe failures or running times which lead to MTBFs different to the set values. There are no defence or Military standards for witches, so operator selection is difficult. It is advisable to employ one or more witches on a project, preferably as part of the reliability team, if this method is to be used. However, care must be exercised to ensure that they confine their powers to the reliability requirement. Security clearance can sometimes present further difficulties, particularly for non- NATO practitioners such as witch doctors, obeah men voodoo priests, etc. Note: Secretaries should not be asked to perform these rites, even when appearance indicate likely competence.
3. PREDICTION ACCURACY 3.1 These alternative methods described generally provide much more accurate reliability predictions than the other techniques described in this standard, e.g. MIL-HDBK-217E. In most cases individual failure events, not merely MTBFs, can be predicted, if appropriate resources are applied.
* Editor's note; This document was found circulating in official corridors. It is reproduced for information, without comment.
Sister in the Army
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?" The man shrugged.
"But who'll tell?"
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?" The man shrugged.
"But who'll tell?"
Friday, September 22, 2006
"Army of One" vs. "Army of Fun"
The Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army (CIRCA) occupied themilitary recruitment center in downtown Oakland for about 45 minutesuntil we were forced out and the center shut down for the day.Gooooo Clowns! (Lots of silly pictures)
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Normal procedure
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
In the Navy
As a midshipman I was assigned to a cruiser one summer. There was a boatswain's mate, happened to be black, named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches in-port on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics ---
In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:
"Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail."
A very pregnant pause
"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!"
Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD.
"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash _receptacles_ into the _containers_ provided on the pier."
This was a different day but he was piping "general visiting"
"Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard."
In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:
"Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail."
A very pregnant pause
"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!"
Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD.
"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash _receptacles_ into the _containers_ provided on the pier."
This was a different day but he was piping "general visiting"
"Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard."
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Do you have ticket?
Some enlisted men were having trouble getting past the guard at the train station. He said that he couldn't allow anyone through without a ticket. Anyone! An officer came along. The guard explained, "Look, I like GIs. I mean, they're protecting us, but I have orders. They're trying to get on without a ticket."
The officer said, "Let me take care of this." Turning to the men, he barked, "Attention! Now forward march!"
Smartly, past a stunned guard, the men marched through the gate and onto the train. Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the officer on the back, saying, "You're terrific, sir. You're a great guy."
The officer said, "That's all right. I didn't have a ticket either!"
The officer said, "Let me take care of this." Turning to the men, he barked, "Attention! Now forward march!"
Smartly, past a stunned guard, the men marched through the gate and onto the train. Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the officer on the back, saying, "You're terrific, sir. You're a great guy."
The officer said, "That's all right. I didn't have a ticket either!"
The American Infantryman
The following circulated among us MEN in the Army - just goes to show that we didn't take ourselves TOO serious:
I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle! I sit tight, stoned out of my squach while my country's representatives meet the enemy face-to-face and will-to-will across the peace table. For two centuries I have been the weak link in our nation's defense, I am the Infantry! Follow Me?
Both easy victories and well-covered-up defeats I have known. Frankly, I owe a lot to friendly historians.
In the Revolution I spent most of my time slinking around out of uniform taking potshots at British troops from behind rocks. I invaded Canada, and even that was a failure. My best general went over the the British. For a while there I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch, but the French navy pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.
I took on Britain again in 1812 thinking she'd be too busy with Napoleon to notice. I invaded Canada again and got beaten again. On my way out, I cravenly put the torch to the House of Parliament and then screamed like a
stuck pig when the British burned Washington. New Orleans, the only battle I won, was fought after my gallant negotiators in Paris had signed the peace treaty. Incidentally, I won it with my usual tactic of hiding behind some rocks and taking potshots at the British troops.
After that I vowed to pick fights only with unusually weak, stupid, or backward peoples. The Indians fit the bill nicely. Generally speaking, I bought them off, bullied them, or got them drunk, but occasionally I had to fight it out, with a numerical superiority of only ten to one and nothing but my self-loading rifle to stand against their fierce spears and arrows. What's more, cowards that they were, they often hid behing rocks and took potshots at me. But I persevered, and in fifty-five years victory was mine (except for the Seminoles).
Mexico also fit the bill. I did a lot better there than in Canada. By the way, if you're thinking of building a military tradition, I really recommend your Spanish speaking countries.
In the Civil War, I fought on both sides. Toward the end I changed sides. In the North I fielded two dozen of the worst generals in the history of modern warfare, and if the British had come to the aid of the South the way I did later in South Vietnam, there'd be Customs officials on the Mason-Dixon Line right now. Once I had it won, I marched to the sea in a cowardly and wanton punitive expedition that held the record for atrocities committed against civilians for half a century, after which I won it again in the Phillipines.
I went back to massacring Indians for a while, just to keep my hand in and added the Little Big Horn to my list of showy defeats. If you know what you're doing, you can make routes like that and the Alamo and Pickett's Charge into "heroic stands" or "glorious doomed fights". Anyway, I wised up after that and just surrounded Indian villages and fired into their teepees with cannon from four miles away.
Then, I handily beat Spain's seventeenth century army in Cuba while my naval comrades sunk her twelfth-century fleet in Manila. Along the way I turned a major military blunder, the costly charge up the wrong side of San Juan Hill, into a famous victory. I picked up Panama at an auction and spent fifteen years pacifying the Philippines with the .45 caliber automatic, the Gatling gun, and the Krag buffalo rifle. I went into Mexico again after Pancho Villa, but they'd picked up the knack of hiding behind rocks, so I said the hell with it.
I waited just as long as I decently could before getting into World War I, buy my valorous historians made my six months of fighting sound like the major event of the war. Australia, New Zealand, and Canada had ten times the troops fighting eight times as long, and you never heard of them, right?
I pulled the same trick in World War II, but the Japanese forced me into it about three years early when my commander in chief left the entire Pacific Fleet in Pearl Harbor with a "Bomb Me" sign on it. I actually had to do some fighting, but fortuantely I've always had some pretty sharp scientists to back me up. Let me tell you, it helps to have the technological edge, whether it's Winchesters over arrows or grapeshot over musket fire. They came up with napalm, the Norden bombsight and the atom bomb, and got me off the hook.
In Korea I managed to blow a sure thing when my commanders forgot that rivers like the Yalu turn into roads at 32 degrees Fahrenheit - and that China wasn't a Spanish-speaking country.
Since then, I've taken on Lebanon and the Dominican Republic, and Grenada, and backed out of the Suez and Cuba. In Vietnam, I used all my tricks picking on small, primitive countries, taking potshots from the air (my scientists built fort of a flying rock to hide in), shelling villages from four miles away, pretending that mistakes like Hamburger Hill were great victories, all of it. It didn't work. I lost, and everybody knows it.
I AM THE INFANTRY, QUEEN OF BATTLE. FOLLOW ME!
by Mike Schmitt, The Boeing Co., BAC MMST, Seattle, WA
I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle! I sit tight, stoned out of my squach while my country's representatives meet the enemy face-to-face and will-to-will across the peace table. For two centuries I have been the weak link in our nation's defense, I am the Infantry! Follow Me?
Both easy victories and well-covered-up defeats I have known. Frankly, I owe a lot to friendly historians.
In the Revolution I spent most of my time slinking around out of uniform taking potshots at British troops from behind rocks. I invaded Canada, and even that was a failure. My best general went over the the British. For a while there I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch, but the French navy pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.
I took on Britain again in 1812 thinking she'd be too busy with Napoleon to notice. I invaded Canada again and got beaten again. On my way out, I cravenly put the torch to the House of Parliament and then screamed like a
stuck pig when the British burned Washington. New Orleans, the only battle I won, was fought after my gallant negotiators in Paris had signed the peace treaty. Incidentally, I won it with my usual tactic of hiding behind some rocks and taking potshots at the British troops.
After that I vowed to pick fights only with unusually weak, stupid, or backward peoples. The Indians fit the bill nicely. Generally speaking, I bought them off, bullied them, or got them drunk, but occasionally I had to fight it out, with a numerical superiority of only ten to one and nothing but my self-loading rifle to stand against their fierce spears and arrows. What's more, cowards that they were, they often hid behing rocks and took potshots at me. But I persevered, and in fifty-five years victory was mine (except for the Seminoles).
Mexico also fit the bill. I did a lot better there than in Canada. By the way, if you're thinking of building a military tradition, I really recommend your Spanish speaking countries.
In the Civil War, I fought on both sides. Toward the end I changed sides. In the North I fielded two dozen of the worst generals in the history of modern warfare, and if the British had come to the aid of the South the way I did later in South Vietnam, there'd be Customs officials on the Mason-Dixon Line right now. Once I had it won, I marched to the sea in a cowardly and wanton punitive expedition that held the record for atrocities committed against civilians for half a century, after which I won it again in the Phillipines.
I went back to massacring Indians for a while, just to keep my hand in and added the Little Big Horn to my list of showy defeats. If you know what you're doing, you can make routes like that and the Alamo and Pickett's Charge into "heroic stands" or "glorious doomed fights". Anyway, I wised up after that and just surrounded Indian villages and fired into their teepees with cannon from four miles away.
Then, I handily beat Spain's seventeenth century army in Cuba while my naval comrades sunk her twelfth-century fleet in Manila. Along the way I turned a major military blunder, the costly charge up the wrong side of San Juan Hill, into a famous victory. I picked up Panama at an auction and spent fifteen years pacifying the Philippines with the .45 caliber automatic, the Gatling gun, and the Krag buffalo rifle. I went into Mexico again after Pancho Villa, but they'd picked up the knack of hiding behind rocks, so I said the hell with it.
I waited just as long as I decently could before getting into World War I, buy my valorous historians made my six months of fighting sound like the major event of the war. Australia, New Zealand, and Canada had ten times the troops fighting eight times as long, and you never heard of them, right?
I pulled the same trick in World War II, but the Japanese forced me into it about three years early when my commander in chief left the entire Pacific Fleet in Pearl Harbor with a "Bomb Me" sign on it. I actually had to do some fighting, but fortuantely I've always had some pretty sharp scientists to back me up. Let me tell you, it helps to have the technological edge, whether it's Winchesters over arrows or grapeshot over musket fire. They came up with napalm, the Norden bombsight and the atom bomb, and got me off the hook.
In Korea I managed to blow a sure thing when my commanders forgot that rivers like the Yalu turn into roads at 32 degrees Fahrenheit - and that China wasn't a Spanish-speaking country.
Since then, I've taken on Lebanon and the Dominican Republic, and Grenada, and backed out of the Suez and Cuba. In Vietnam, I used all my tricks picking on small, primitive countries, taking potshots from the air (my scientists built fort of a flying rock to hide in), shelling villages from four miles away, pretending that mistakes like Hamburger Hill were great victories, all of it. It didn't work. I lost, and everybody knows it.
I AM THE INFANTRY, QUEEN OF BATTLE. FOLLOW ME!
by Mike Schmitt, The Boeing Co., BAC MMST, Seattle, WA
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Army war game
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Drunk recruit
Ah Seng, a recruit, was a bit of a loner. He took to drinking heavily whenever he booked out for the weekend. One weekend, he returned so drunk that he was told to see the Commanding Officer immediately. "Look Ah Seng, why don't you shape up?" said the CO, who was something of a softie. "There is a real future for you here if you sober up. You could become a corporal, or even a sergeant! Isn't that something to look forward to?" Ah Seng replied,"Well, Sir, to tell you the truth, that's really not good enough for me because after a few glasses of Tiger, I feel like a colonel!"
Friday, September 15, 2006
Road accident
There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."
The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.
The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."
The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.
The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
What time is it?
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
French naval pun
[Heard years ago on the BBC Radio 4 programme `Quote Unquote']
It is a little known fact that the French Navy has for many years had a motto, the mere mention of which excites its hot-blooded members to combat and conquest.
In English it can be rendered "To the water; it is time".
In the original French, however, it reads: "A l'eau; c'est l'heure".
It is a little known fact that the French Navy has for many years had a motto, the mere mention of which excites its hot-blooded members to combat and conquest.
In English it can be rendered "To the water; it is time".
In the original French, however, it reads: "A l'eau; c'est l'heure".
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The Image Of Rank
General:
Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.
Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.
Lieutenant Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.
Major:
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.
Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle, and talks to animals.
First Lieutenant:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.
Second Lieutenant:
Falls over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.
An NCO: Lifts building and then walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth, and chews them, and freezes water in a speeding glance. He is God.
Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.
Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.
Lieutenant Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.
Major:
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.
Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle, and talks to animals.
First Lieutenant:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.
Second Lieutenant:
Falls over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.
An NCO: Lifts building and then walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth, and chews them, and freezes water in a speeding glance. He is God.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Hillbilly's Letter Home from the Army
Dear Ma and Pa
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son, Zeb
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son, Zeb
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
MERE ACCIDENT
Private Klouse was asked by the judge at the trial: "Why did you shoot at that sergeant?"
"It was an accident, sir."
"Accident?"
"Yes, sir. I said an accident. I wasn't shooting at the sergeant really. I was shooting at the captain behind him."
"It was an accident, sir."
"Accident?"
"Yes, sir. I said an accident. I wasn't shooting at the sergeant really. I was shooting at the captain behind him."
Friday, September 08, 2006
Russian military humor
- Sergeant, what should I do if my parachute won't open?
- Bring it back and I'll replace it.
- Bring it back and I'll replace it.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Veterans
Two veterans were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
HIGH IQ
At an Army reception center a volunteer was undergoing an IQ test.
"Well, Nicholson, determine what it is - it's a piece of the soldier's equipment which has two soles, 12 holes for laces and is worn on man's feet?
"I can't guess, sir," was the reply.
"But it's easy, man. It's a pair of shoes. Now tell the board what piece of the soldier's equipment has the same but twice more: four soles, 24 holes for laces and is on man's feet?!"
"Dunno, sir."
"Come on, man. It's two pairs of shoes. Now the last question-what has six feet, wings and flies in May?"
"Oh, that easy," cried the volunteer, "It's three pair of shoes!"
"Well, Nicholson, determine what it is - it's a piece of the soldier's equipment which has two soles, 12 holes for laces and is worn on man's feet?
"I can't guess, sir," was the reply.
"But it's easy, man. It's a pair of shoes. Now tell the board what piece of the soldier's equipment has the same but twice more: four soles, 24 holes for laces and is on man's feet?!"
"Dunno, sir."
"Come on, man. It's two pairs of shoes. Now the last question-what has six feet, wings and flies in May?"
"Oh, that easy," cried the volunteer, "It's three pair of shoes!"
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Old general
The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 2113.'
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 2113.'
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