Airborne jump school

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well", he said, "it's three weeks long." "What else" , I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys", he said. "The second week , they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump".

Maps of War

Who has controlled the Middle East over the course of history? Pretty much everyone. Egyptians, Turks, Jews, Romans, Arabs, Greeks, Persians, Europeans...the list goes on. Who will control the Middle East today? That is a much bigger question.

Harmonica

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

Prediction methods for MTBF

By Stalker, Edward, Capt AFLMA

Arrived in my Email with a garbled return address. From context, it looks like a British or Australian document.


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SHORT COMMUNICATIONS
RELIABILITY PREDICTION USING ALTERNATIVE METHODS*

1. INTRODUCTION

1.1 Alternative methods may be used for predicting reliability, when approved by the Project Manager. This section outlines these methods and the conditions under which they may be applied.

2. METHODS 2.1 The alternative methods covered by this section are:

(a) Crystal ball (b) Astrological (c) Wet finger (d) Miscellaneous techniques (Tarot cards, ouija boards, etc.) (e) Witchcraft These will be discussed, in turn.

2.2 Crystal ball Crystal balls may be used, if operated by qualified personnel. Qualified personnel include gypsies and other operators approved by NATO AQAP-1, and reliability engineers in AQAP- 1 approved companies. Crystal balls must be calibrated against master standards in accordance with AQAP-6.

2.3 Astrology Astrological prediction methods may be used, but only as applied by AQAP-1 approved astrological scientists. Use of astrological data from daily newspapers, etc., is not acceptable, as these do not necessarily meet approval criteria and are not traceable. For astrological predictions, the dates of birth of the following must be provided:

(a) Project managers (MOD and supplier) (b) Senior reliability engineer (c) Chief designer (d) Secretaries of above, if they are evaluated as likely to affect attitudes, motivation and performance. (e) All the people who will make any part of the system. ( These data are only required when prediction accuracy of better than 0.001 percent is required).

2.4 Wet finger This is a simple and popular method, particularly among project managers. Since little expertise is required, it is a low-cost method. It features some of the disadvantages of the witchcraft methods (see below), but the secondary effects are less unpredictable, particularly if the personnel making the predictions are replaced or forget what the prediction was.

2.5 Miscellaneous methods Other methods may be used, e.g. Tarot cards, ouija boards, tea leaves, etc., but only by qualified staff or consultants approved as above. In any case, appropriate data must be provided as required by the operator.

2.6 Witchcraft Witchcraft may be used. However, this method of prediction is a reliability forcing process, rather than a prediction. Great care must be exercised to ensure that only achievable, conservative MTBF values are forced in this way, since death, serious injury, or madness can result if personnel observe failures or running times which lead to MTBFs different to the set values. There are no defence or Military standards for witches, so operator selection is difficult. It is advisable to employ one or more witches on a project, preferably as part of the reliability team, if this method is to be used. However, care must be exercised to ensure that they confine their powers to the reliability requirement. Security clearance can sometimes present further difficulties, particularly for non- NATO practitioners such as witch doctors, obeah men voodoo priests, etc. Note: Secretaries should not be asked to perform these rites, even when appearance indicate likely competence.

3. PREDICTION ACCURACY 3.1 These alternative methods described generally provide much more accurate reliability predictions than the other techniques described in this standard, e.g. MIL-HDBK-217E. In most cases individual failure events, not merely MTBFs, can be predicted, if appropriate resources are applied.

* Editor's note; This document was found circulating in official corridors. It is reproduced for information, without comment.

Sister in the Army

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?" The man shrugged.
"But who'll tell?"

"Army of One" vs. "Army of Fun"

The Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army (CIRCA) occupied themilitary recruitment center in downtown Oakland for about 45 minutesuntil we were forced out and the center shut down for the day.Gooooo Clowns! (Lots of silly pictures)

Normal procedure

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

In the Navy

As a midshipman I was assigned to a cruiser one summer. There was a boatswain's mate, happened to be black, named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches in-port on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics ---
In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:
"Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail."
A very pregnant pause
"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!"
Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD.
"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash _receptacles_ into the _containers_ provided on the pier."
This was a different day but he was piping "general visiting"
"Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard."

Do you have ticket?

Some enlisted men were having trouble getting past the guard at the train station. He said that he couldn't allow anyone through without a ticket. Anyone! An officer came along. The guard explained, "Look, I like GIs. I mean, they're protecting us, but I have orders. They're trying to get on without a ticket."
The officer said, "Let me take care of this." Turning to the men, he barked, "Attention! Now forward march!"
Smartly, past a stunned guard, the men marched through the gate and onto the train. Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the officer on the back, saying, "You're terrific, sir. You're a great guy."
The officer said, "That's all right. I didn't have a ticket either!"

The American Infantryman

The following circulated among us MEN in the Army - just goes to show that we didn't take ourselves TOO serious:

I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle! I sit tight, stoned out of my squach while my country's representatives meet the enemy face-to-face and will-to-will across the peace table. For two centuries I have been the weak link in our nation's defense, I am the Infantry! Follow Me?

Both easy victories and well-covered-up defeats I have known. Frankly, I owe a lot to friendly historians.

In the Revolution I spent most of my time slinking around out of uniform taking potshots at British troops from behind rocks. I invaded Canada, and even that was a failure. My best general went over the the British. For a while there I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch, but the French navy pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.

I took on Britain again in 1812 thinking she'd be too busy with Napoleon to notice. I invaded Canada again and got beaten again. On my way out, I cravenly put the torch to the House of Parliament and then screamed like a
stuck pig when the British burned Washington. New Orleans, the only battle I won, was fought after my gallant negotiators in Paris had signed the peace treaty. Incidentally, I won it with my usual tactic of hiding behind some rocks and taking potshots at the British troops.

After that I vowed to pick fights only with unusually weak, stupid, or backward peoples. The Indians fit the bill nicely. Generally speaking, I bought them off, bullied them, or got them drunk, but occasionally I had to fight it out, with a numerical superiority of only ten to one and nothing but my self-loading rifle to stand against their fierce spears and arrows. What's more, cowards that they were, they often hid behing rocks and took potshots at me. But I persevered, and in fifty-five years victory was mine (except for the Seminoles).

Mexico also fit the bill. I did a lot better there than in Canada. By the way, if you're thinking of building a military tradition, I really recommend your Spanish speaking countries.

In the Civil War, I fought on both sides. Toward the end I changed sides. In the North I fielded two dozen of the worst generals in the history of modern warfare, and if the British had come to the aid of the South the way I did later in South Vietnam, there'd be Customs officials on the Mason-Dixon Line right now. Once I had it won, I marched to the sea in a cowardly and wanton punitive expedition that held the record for atrocities committed against civilians for half a century, after which I won it again in the Phillipines.

I went back to massacring Indians for a while, just to keep my hand in and added the Little Big Horn to my list of showy defeats. If you know what you're doing, you can make routes like that and the Alamo and Pickett's Charge into "heroic stands" or "glorious doomed fights". Anyway, I wised up after that and just surrounded Indian villages and fired into their teepees with cannon from four miles away.

Then, I handily beat Spain's seventeenth century army in Cuba while my naval comrades sunk her twelfth-century fleet in Manila. Along the way I turned a major military blunder, the costly charge up the wrong side of San Juan Hill, into a famous victory. I picked up Panama at an auction and spent fifteen years pacifying the Philippines with the .45 caliber automatic, the Gatling gun, and the Krag buffalo rifle. I went into Mexico again after Pancho Villa, but they'd picked up the knack of hiding behind rocks, so I said the hell with it.

I waited just as long as I decently could before getting into World War I, buy my valorous historians made my six months of fighting sound like the major event of the war. Australia, New Zealand, and Canada had ten times the troops fighting eight times as long, and you never heard of them, right?

I pulled the same trick in World War II, but the Japanese forced me into it about three years early when my commander in chief left the entire Pacific Fleet in Pearl Harbor with a "Bomb Me" sign on it. I actually had to do some fighting, but fortuantely I've always had some pretty sharp scientists to back me up. Let me tell you, it helps to have the technological edge, whether it's Winchesters over arrows or grapeshot over musket fire. They came up with napalm, the Norden bombsight and the atom bomb, and got me off the hook.

In Korea I managed to blow a sure thing when my commanders forgot that rivers like the Yalu turn into roads at 32 degrees Fahrenheit - and that China wasn't a Spanish-speaking country.

Since then, I've taken on Lebanon and the Dominican Republic, and Grenada, and backed out of the Suez and Cuba. In Vietnam, I used all my tricks picking on small, primitive countries, taking potshots from the air (my scientists built fort of a flying rock to hide in), shelling villages from four miles away, pretending that mistakes like Hamburger Hill were great victories, all of it. It didn't work. I lost, and everybody knows it.

I AM THE INFANTRY, QUEEN OF BATTLE. FOLLOW ME!

by Mike Schmitt, The Boeing Co., BAC MMST, Seattle, WA

Army war game

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

Drunk recruit

Ah Seng, a recruit, was a bit of a loner. He took to drinking heavily whenever he booked out for the weekend. One weekend, he returned so drunk that he was told to see the Commanding Officer immediately. "Look Ah Seng, why don't you shape up?" said the CO, who was something of a softie. "There is a real future for you here if you sober up. You could become a corporal, or even a sergeant! Isn't that something to look forward to?" Ah Seng replied,"Well, Sir, to tell you the truth, that's really not good enough for me because after a few glasses of Tiger, I feel like a colonel!"

Road accident

There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."

The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.

The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

What time is it?

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

French naval pun

[Heard years ago on the BBC Radio 4 programme `Quote Unquote']

It is a little known fact that the French Navy has for many years had a motto, the mere mention of which excites its hot-blooded members to combat and conquest.

In English it can be rendered "To the water; it is time".

In the original French, however, it reads: "A l'eau; c'est l'heure".

The Image Of Rank

General:
Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.

Lieutenant Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.

Major:
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.

Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle, and talks to animals.

First Lieutenant:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.

Second Lieutenant:
Falls over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.

An NCO: Lifts building and then walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth, and chews them, and freezes water in a speeding glance. He is God.

Hillbilly's Letter Home from the Army

Dear Ma and Pa

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son, Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

MERE ACCIDENT

Private Klouse was asked by the judge at the trial: "Why did you shoot at that sergeant?"

"It was an accident, sir."

"Accident?"

"Yes, sir. I said an accident. I wasn't shooting at the sergeant really. I was shooting at the captain behind him."

Army lamborghini

stupid pilot

Russian military humor

- Sergeant, what should I do if my parachute won't open?
- Bring it back and I'll replace it.

Veterans

Two veterans were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."

HIGH IQ

At an Army reception center a volunteer was undergoing an IQ test.
"Well, Nicholson, determine what it is - it's a piece of the soldier's equipment which has two soles, 12 holes for laces and is worn on man's feet?
"I can't guess, sir," was the reply.
"But it's easy, man. It's a pair of shoes. Now tell the board what piece of the soldier's equipment has the same but twice more: four soles, 24 holes for laces and is on man's feet?!"
"Dunno, sir."
"Come on, man. It's two pairs of shoes. Now the last question-what has six feet, wings and flies in May?"
"Oh, that easy," cried the volunteer, "It's three pair of shoes!"

Old general

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 2113.'